Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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