My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
