god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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