If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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