I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
