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apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
