I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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