I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
