Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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