Non-Jews are for practice
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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