Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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