and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
