Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
