We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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