why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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