Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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