k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
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