I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
