remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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