Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
