i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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