Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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