I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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