i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
