I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
