i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
