Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
