Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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