Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
