Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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