im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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