Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
