My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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