I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
