I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
