when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
