i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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