i don't like sucking hair
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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