Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
