I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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