she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
