I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My feet surprised me
Randomize
