then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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