I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
