Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hippo gnu deer
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
