I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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