bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
