The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
