All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love you.
Bad choice
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
