please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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