I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
