i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well you can't waste a boner
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
