i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
