no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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