Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I will pee on everything he values.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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