you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
