We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
